Poised on the precipice

Ever since I woke up this morning, all I could think about was S starting kinder tomorrow, heavy with dread. When I crossed paths with a friend taking her daughter to the kinder class that S attended last year, I felt an unanticipated wave of relief. Yes, at this time most of last year, I would have been shepherding both boys to school and then rushing to arrive only a few minutes late to kinder. The distances are short, but the journeys could be so fraught, so easily degenerating into a muddle, a tantrum, a transition meltdown, at any step of the way. I often find that it's those unexpected emotional waves in response to other people's experiences that make me aware of how much of a tightrope I walk every day with these 2 boys.

Off his own bat, S asked this morning when he was to return to kinder; I was grateful indeed that he brought it up. Tomorrow I told him; predictably he was resistant, and upset that I would not stay there, but I am optimistic that by telling me this himself today, he understands that it is inevitable and he is trying to process it. One the way home from school he asked for a fidget toy that I bought him last week, and I reminded him that it was for kinder, for when he needed quiet time. He immediately smiled, asked if he would have to share it, and I said no, it was just for him when he needed some time to himself. He looked really happy, and I felt a little more reassured.

On an different note, trying not to take it personally, I went to give P a kiss this morning and he stiffened up. When I asked if he wanted one, he said "no thanks"! Oh it's hard not to touch that soft little cheek with my lips before I say goodbye. On the plus side, I've been getting a lot of cuddling from him at night. He wakes up at almost the same time every night and calls out. I didn't get up to him last night, knowing that he would come in anyway. I've always been a happy co-sleeper but for at least 6 months we've been making more of an effort to keep them in their own beds, as Q has become something of an insomniac and their tossing & turning & kicking of covers is indeed very disruptive. Because we explained this to them, they have at least been coming in more quietly & generally responding more positively to requests to move heads etc., knowing that the alternative is to go back to their own beds.

Well, P is installed at school, S, is relaxed and cooperative this morning. Please can it last ....!