Finally, S was seen by a psychologist today. I think she will suit us well, but I have learnt not to be effusive after only 1 visit. Nevertheless, she did nothing disconcerting, and seemed to understand my concerns, and my reasons for thinking he is not on the spectrum. All the same, the responses I gave to some of her questions were clearly cause for concern along those lines; his rigidity, his literal imitation of his brother, as well as all the other stuff... Next time she will do a "mini assessment", as she says, to find out what they are dealing with and get him "more functional". Sounds like a plan to me.
It's a funny thing; I am in the 2nd month of a 3-month experiment where I have to keep a mood chart. Having suffered from debilitating pre-menstrual headaches for years before pregnancy and breastfeeding, I have found that with children, these headaches are overwhelming and I often cannot cope with parenting demands when I have them; I fill myself with painkillers, if I am lucky it coincides with my regular helper's visits, or when it's really bad, I have been known to call Q for emergency relief. For a year I have been experimenting with oestrogen patches with mixed results, but this itself has resulted in more research and more awareness of the other symptoms; the headaches may dominate, but I seem to go through significant mood disturbances at the same time every month. So I'm keeping the chart to verify this, and then I have an experience like this one, not at that time of the month. It hasn't exactly wiped the floor with me, because I have been worried for so long, but it has laid me pretty low. So I put that on my chart, and what will a doctor make of it? What a ridiculous world we live in.
On the positive side, this is my 2nd session with a professional in the past few days that has felt like something I've wanted for a long time. But it has been ridiculously difficult to arrive at this point. A few days ago P saw his new speech pathologist for the 3rd time, & she had prepared all sorts of activities designed to help him ask and answer questions. During the session she noticed other things that she said she would also get him to work on. This is what I expected to happen. How, over the previous 18 months, did I end up having not one but 2 therapists go all expansive on me & tell me there wasn't much to work on? And with S, what about the psychologist I spoke to for the better part of the year about my family circumstances, who always deflected me from bringing him in & sent me out with specific advice on discipline, instead of looking at the whole picture? I'm struggling with some anger towards her for delaying this whole process for a substantial time, very substantial when talking about preschoolers who might need intervention. And that when I went and made arrangements to have him seen by an OT, she high-handedly told me that if I was to do something "like that", in her experience it was only worthwhile if they could see the child in the home environment. I really don't understand what her problem was. She seemed sensitive to many things, but why did she think she could address my concerns long-distance and then express something close to disapproval when I found someone prepared to actually look at how he behaves?
In my own, unscientific way, I have come to believe that most (neurotypical) humans are in some sense hard-wired for reciprocity. I get so little of it in my parenting life that I am quite disoriented. I find myself constantly surprised when I see how straightforwardly other kids express themselves, other families get on with things. Even when I can see and accept a problem, seeking assistance has proved an experience worthy of Kafka.
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