Yesterday, P had a friend over, a boy who hasn't visited before. He's a lovely kid, very socially sophisticated and empathetic. They've been in kinder and school together for nearly 2 years and haven't ever really played together, so I assumed that there would not be much rapport, but apparently this boy jumped at the chance to be invited over. I detected nervousness in P, which is new (for me to see anyway). But he was very focused on his playmate and thoroughly considerate and generous, which delighted me no end. The other boy seemed to have a good time too, so it was definitely a success. S was frustrated no end, and kept trying to undermine the play. It was incredibly hard work to keep him calm and distracted, whilst trying to monitor what the others were doing, because as well as it went, P did need some assistance. His conversations frequently turned towards detailed explanations of game rules, or the sharing of instructions about activities which were not strictly relevant, and sometimes, in his nervousness I think, he would ask questions and not wait for his friend to respond. So I would point out when this happened, or sometimes gently move him on when he seemed to be going down a dead-end path, socially speaking. It is amazing to see how far he has progressed, and I have faith that he will go from strength to strength if we can help him over glitches like that.
But emotionally, it took a toll on me. P wasn't the only one who was excited and nervous. I have to watch my own empathy and over-identification. Frankly, it churned me up, seeing my boy taking his uncertain steps at a new social level. I come from a family of emoters -- is that a word? But the mode is to share the emotion when an event occurs, not to think or discuss. So if one relative rings with bad news, the idea is that you will simply feel bad as a result. End of transmission. Recognising it is one thing, transcending it quite another ...
Suffice to say that I feel quite ridiculous being so over-invested in my son's play-date, but being dishonest about it won't help. Add the stress of S's anti-social tendencies, and the fact that Q was interstate at a funeral yesterday, for an adult, but someone else's son, an awful death resulting from mental illness. And swimming lessons are coming up at the school; I am scared of putting my head under water, P is nervous of water and has had less exposure to it than a lot of his peers, and the grandson of one of Q's colleagues, aged 6, drowned at a public pool last summer ...
Last night I dreamt that I was at a sprawling public baths with my kids. It was holiday time, a sunny day, and I thought it would be nice for them to meet up with some friends, but who to choose? It was impossible to reach a decision. After an interminable period of indecision, I realised that I had lost track of the boys. Actually, I realised that I had relaxed and trusted them to stay away from the water, but I was suddenly consumed with panic as I realised that I trusted 2 little boys who couldn't swim to roam freely around a crowded public baths and stay out of trouble.
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