Turning a corner?

I remember this feeling from when P was around 4 and a half. A few small mercies began to creep into the daily regime: a trigger for a meltdown did not in fact trigger the meltdown; a common source of friction failed to produce the friction. Amid this suppression of hostilities, I found myself slightly less besieged and a little more able to pause, calmly, and survey the landscape. But I most certainly remained on alert, for months, unable to discern whether this was an aberration or the shape of things to come. Eventually, I was able to relax into the latter; my fragile little wailer became a placid, comparatively well-regulated boy.

And so it has happened again. For a month or 2, situations which would not long ago have triggered huge tantrums have not only taken a different turn; they have often resulted in apologies and concern from S. No longer does he seem so distracted by doing the contrary of what he is asked; he is much, much more of a partner in our days. And so I find myself, with joy and relief, doing little things with him! Like just now, having a tub of fruit yoghurt in the fridge, I invited him to help me puree it, pour it into moulds, and freeze it for a treat later today. Only one refusal to cooperate in the whole exercise, and it was over when it was over, no subsequent screams, hits, nothing.

I have also noticed that S's counting abilities have just taken a big leap. We always used to watch the developmental leaps with P, encouraged to think along these lines by The Wonder Weeks. Even with ASD, he seemed to follow the timetable laid out in that book, but his development has continued to lurch quite dramatically, long after the first year covered by that book. At any rate, I think perhaps that our little guy, having pushed us through much frustration not so long ago, might have come out of the other side of one of these surges.

It is so exciting to have a companion! I can't quite banish the sadness at thinking of how much of the early years have been taken up with just putting out fires, just keeping both boys from falling off some kind of developmental ledge, instead of doing fun stuff with them! Another familiar feeling is that of letting myself of the hook a little; every time life improves like this, I see with a new kind of clarity what I have been up against. Whatever the lacks and blind spots in my parenting abilities, I really haven't brought all of the struggles on myself! In a better universe, perhaps a calm, rested parent might have dealt more effectively with S's raging temper and his fraught need to control his environment! But now, having lumbered through that period with the rough tools at my disposal, it might, dare I hope, be behind us!