Despondent

Occasionally I think things are getting better, but then I have the even worse sense that I have been kidding myself.  Secundo had an OT session today, the first since I sent out an SOS email to his psychologist and OT pleading for something more effective than 1-2-3 Magic, which we've been doing it for years, and has been at times very painful emotionally, and still involves a lot of hands-on disruption to the entire household to get him to stay removed until he is calm.  And in the meantime, all family members have been subject to far too much physical and verbal abuse. And yet, some hours, some days, his behaviour is delightful.

The OT session in the morning was awful.  He wanted to play "murdering" games; most of his games are about violence.  He is becoming more articulate about that which is probably a good thing in the long run.  But as she usually does, the OT challenged him about various aspects of his play until he was threatening her, throwing things, and eventually hurt himself with a toy he was brandishing, collapsing in sobs into a ball on the floor.  I wondered if these sessions really were the right thing to do.  But to do nothing seems a guarantee for more friction and distress.  I set up a play in the afternoon for him with a friend at the other boy's house.  The boys clearly adore each other, the mother seems comfortable or is very good at disguising any misgivings she has, but the step-father, not for the first time, made comments at pick-up overlaid with disapproval.  And I am probably far too sensitive, but I take it very hard, picking up my child and feeling that he has been unwelcome at any level.  So much effort goes into helping him to negotiate other people, but our efforts feel pretty worthless at times.  As I said, perhaps I'm too sensitive.

Primo spent a while in the car with me and at times we chatted.  That is always manna from heaven.  The conversations inevitably evolve into the world of computer games, and even then, they don't make much sense in ways that I expect conversations to make sense.  And so the foggy, frustrated, bored, guilty, anguished build-up in me.  I'm hoping for another familiar feeling that often comes after these low points, when something changes quite suddenly (at least with Primo), and he shows skills and awareness that only weeks before, it was hard to ever imagine him possessing.  I'm really hoping that this is the pattern, that a wave is going to come and pick me out of this trough.